


Woof?

by Trio



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Breasts, F/M, Implied Relationships, Sex, weird dog anatomy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-08-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 05:11:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trio/pseuds/Trio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After three long years, the four kids finally reunite.  And Jade has a little secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Woof?

**Author's Note:**

> [ okay, so I somehow managed to screw up this story  
> this was not updated august 9th  
> this hasn't been updated since I first published it  
> there are no additional chapters (as of now at least)  
> but it is not letting me fix any of these issues ]
> 
> [ grrr ]

And there they are.

John and Jade glide down from the ship's deck on a breeze, landing a few feet in front of you. Of course John has to show off his powers the first thing. And with the two of them being hyperactive dorks, you can expect to have them both to come hurtling at you in a few seconds.

Instead, you flash-step beside Jade, all decked out in her fancy black robe thing.

"Nice ears," you whisper to her before she can react.

"Oh, don't start!" she giggles, shoving you playfully before pouncing on you with a giant hug. She certainly seemed happy to see you. You hug her back. _No, keep a straight face.  Can't go looking all sappy just because you're finally seeing your girl after three years._

"Hi, Dave!"  And leave it to Egbert to kill the mood.  You're pretty sure there was a mood.

"Sup man," you say over Jade's shoulder.  "If you're looking for Lalonde then try inside, she's all stuck in one of her literary endeavors or somesuch."

"Actually," you hear from the lab entrance, "I'm right here."

"Rose!"  John runs over to her.  He looks like he's about to hug her but then he stops and stuffs his hands in his pockets sheepishly.  Dammit Egbert, are you ever going to not be an awkward dork?

"Hello, John," she says to him with a smile.  Instead of hugging him, she takes his hand and pulls him in for a kiss on the cheek.  His face turns impossibly red.  He could probably camouflage it against your shirt.   _Oh so that's how she's playing it.  Fine then._

You pull back from the hug and look into Jade's eyes.  They're the same vibrant green as always, but they look a bit different.  Deeper, you'd say, if it didn't sound so ridiculously mushy.

"I missed you," she said, and oh god is she going to cry?  She's definitely welling up.   _Shit, do something._

"Yeah, I missed you too."  Well at least that didn't sound too bad.  Jade's face just sort of melts into a big sobby smile, and she pulls you closer.

And, yup, she's kissing you.  On the lips.  With her lips.  Right there.  Okay keep cool, you can do this.  You snake your arms around her again.

"If you two are done," you hear Rose say, _fuck it woman can't you just back off for a second_ , "then we might want to go inside."

"Oh, yeah, you two have to show us around!" Jade replies, but not before you throw up a finger in Rose's direction.  She responds with arched eyebrows and a smirk.  Goddamn she-witch.

Jade bounces over to the others, and you trod along behind her.  Time to go show her your shitty little home in a shitty little building on a shitty little asteroid.

John and Rose walk arm-in-arm down the hall in front of you.  You decide to put your arm around Jade's shoulder, and she reacts by leaning on you slightly.

"Wow, it's been a long time!" John quips, looking to Rose.  "You look so different.  The last time I saw you was—"

"When you made out with her corpse," you say, cutting him off.  He blushes again.

"And what's wrong with corpse makeouts?" you hear Jade say beside you.

"Not a damn thing," you say, and give her a little squeeze.  She giggles.

"Ah, here we are."  Rose opens the sliding door to the living room, by which you mean a lab room that you gutted and turned into a barely-passable living space.

"Whoa, this is weird," John says, looking around.  "It's so… gray."

"Yeah, well there's not much in the way of decorations around here.  And we try to save all the grist for alchemizing food." Rose says.

"Wait, hang on," Jade says, looking around, "where are all the trolls?"

"Wouldn't you know it, turns out when you stick two groups from wildly different cultures together in the same house things tend to get a bit strained," you say, "so they live in a separate part of the lab.  Isolated.  Actually we got stuck with the smaller half, since there are only two of us."

" _Were_ only two of us," Rose reminds you.  Yeah, yeah, whatever.  "So, John, would you like to see the rest of our space?"

"Sure!" he says, "Hey Jade wanna come with?"

"I'm sure Mr. Strider would be more than happy to show Ms. Harley around too.  Let's make this a two-group tour."  Rose weaves her fingers into John's and leads him towards the door.

"See you guys later!" he grins, waving.

The door shuts behind them, and an awkward silence falls over the room.  

"He really has no idea," you mumble, shaning your head.  Jade tilts her head quizzically.  "Nevermind."

You shuffle over and plop down onto your, uh, "couch" and look towards the wall.  Jade comes and sits next to you.

More awkward silence.  Welp, you're sitting in a room next to your sort-of-a-girlfriend with no one else around.  Gotta handle this delicately if you don't want it to get even more awkward.

"So, uh, nice shirt," Jade says, shattering the silence.

"Eh?  Oh, yeah.  Standard-issue god stuff, you know.  All the cool deities have them."  You look down at your outfit.  It's ridiculous.  You only wear it for ironic purposes.  Yup, that's it.  You don't like it at all.  Nope.  "Oh, and check it, the thing comes with some epic headgear.   _Bwah!_ " you say as you flip the hood up onto your head.  Jade laughs, poking at the battlement-shaped trim on the front.

Behind your shades, your eyes sweep her from head to toe.  She's grown, but it seems mainly in height.  From what you can see, she's thinner than she was when you last saw her, and her skin definitely isn't as tan.  And of course the fluffy white ears sticking out of the top of her head.  That's still a little unusual.  No sign of a tail though, which brings some small comfort.  You can also see that she hadn't really... developed in the intervening years.  Even Rose had gone up probably a couple of sizes, but Jade hadn't changed.   _No that is a terrible thing to be thinking about, stop it right now.  She's Jade and she's here and that's all that matters._

"Your dress thing is pretty cool too.  But where's you get the slippers, Neverland?"

"That's not even the right reference, you doof!" she chuckles, poking your shoulder.  Yeah, that was kind of the joke, but whatever.  "So...  am I going to get that tour?  Maybe we'll meet up with the others!"

"The place really isn't that big.  And since they're not back yet, I'll bet the first stop on that 'tour' was Lalonde's bedroom.  Second stop, her bed.  Third stop, third base."

Jade stares at you, dumbfounded.  "Now why would you say that?"

"Believe me, after three years locked up with her it's become pretty clear that she figures she's well behind on that relationship and has to make up for as much time as she can.  We've only got a short span here and I think she just wants to make things solid."

"But... you don't think... are they really going to...?"

"Depends on him.  Either way I'm trying not to think about it."  You stand up and face the adjacent wall.  "It's weird."

Oh good, your old friend the awkward silence is back.  Hey buddy, how've you been?  Jesus, this day went from looking up to circling the drain in about twenty minutes.

"It's a good point."

"Huh?" you say, turning to look at Jade.

"She's right.  Or, uh, your perception of her is right.  Er, I mean, what you think she's thinking is perfectly valid."  She finally gets the sentence out.

"In what way?" you ask, a little nervous about the direction this is going.

"Well, the last time we were together was years in the past, but thankfully not many, and that was only for what, a couple of hours?  Then all sorts of stuff hit the fan and we got split up.  And then we had to wait for a long time and now we're finally back together.  And we don't have that long until we reach out destination.  Maybe a week?  I don't know.  But that means we only have so much time to get stabilized, and I think it's a good idea to do that."  She'd gotten up and walked over to you and now you're face-to-face.  "Tell me, Dave.  Do you love me?"

Ohhh, fuck.  This is bad.  Well, it's really amazing, actually, but now you have to answer.  And even though you already know what you're going to say, how you say it is also going to have an enormous impact on where this ends up.

Fuck it, going for broke here.

You reach up and slowly remove your sunglasses with one hand.  Carefully opening your eyes, you meet her gaze.  Can't let the sudden brightness affect you.  You lean in and touch your forehead to hers.

"I do."

For a second she doesn't react.

Then she just flings her arms around your waist, gripping you tightly and rubbing her face into your collar.  Of course you reciprocate, because dammit you love this girl.  And you finally got it out there.

"I love you too," she says, her voice muffled against your shirt.

"Alright, nice."

You hold the embrace for a good long time before Jade speaks up again.

"So, uh, Mr. Strider.  I think I might be ready for that tour now."  She looks up at you with a smile.

"I already told you, that wasn't a thing that was actually..." you start to explain before it clicks in your brain and you trail off.  Jade giggles and places a quick peck on your cheek before grabbing your hand.

"So which way is your room?"

"Uh, this way," you say, pointing to the only door.

"Oh, right, well let's go then!" she says with another giggle, leading you out into the hall.

After couple of lefts and a right, you reach the door to your room.  Jade points to the keypad next to it.

"Is it—?"

"Password protected, yeah.  It was already there, and you can never be too careful."

You punch in the code and the door slides open, allowing you access.  She lets you lead her inside.

It's not the best room.  Fortunately it's not a mess, since you don't really have that much stuff in here anyway.  Your bed is kinda shitty and the lighting isn't great, but it serves its purpose.  Hopefully it can serve this purpose too.

As Jade looks around, you walk up behind her and hug her waist, resting your chin on her shoulder.

"You sure you're ready for this?" you ask quietly.

"Yes, I'm sure," she whispers back, "but..."

"What?"  You turn your head and see a worried expression on her face.

"Nothing.  It's nothing.  I'm just not sure if... you'd like..." she trails off, and you see that she's unconsciously raised a hand to her chest.  When she realizes that you noticed, she hurriedly drops it back to her side.

Oh god, is she really worried about that?  Damn, now you feel even more guilty about thinking about that earlier.

"Jade, listen.  I love you, and I didn't decide that because of your body.  I don't care if your boobs aren't giant, that doesn't change anything.  Got it?"

She lets out a little laugh mixed with what sounds like a sob, but quickly composes herself.  She breaks out of your hug and turns to you again.

"Do you mean that?" she asks, sincerity all over her face.

"Yeah, I do.  I mean, if you end up pulling a giant dog cock out of your pants I might be more than a little weirded out," okay, probably not the best time to be ironical, "but it wouldn't change how I feel."

She lets out another laugh, and gently taps her finger to the tip of your nose.

"Well then, Sir Strider the Knight, I think I'm ready."

Nodding, you lead her over to your bed and sit her down on the edge.  Coolly, you kneel down in front of her.

"If my lady will have me."

She raises a foot, and you slip off her red slipper, followed by her long striped sock.  She wiggles her toes at you before profferring the other.  Soon her feet are bare and she stands up.

"Your turn."

She sits you down and runs her fingers over your sneakers.  Okay, not the most ideal choice of footwear for such an occasion, but what can you do.  Before you can summon another thought a flash of green emanates from your shoes, and you feel the cold metal of the floor on your soles.

"Jesus, Harley, I wasn't that bad, was I?"

She stands up and leans over to whisper coyly into your ear.

"I didn't feel like undoing the laces."

Fair enough.

She lifts the hood piece up and off your head, because apparently it's still her turn.

You respond by removing her overshirt-like-thing, leaving her in the tight dress.

Your shirt is the next thing to go.  Jade takes a moment to run her hand over your chest.  Thank god you were able to stay fit.

Before you can touch her dress, however, she stands up.

"I think I'll take it from here."  She turns her back to you.  "But can you undo it first?"

Obliging, you reach up and unzip the back of her dress.  It goes all the way down her back, and as it reaches the end you let your hand continue down to rub her bum softly.  She lets out a sigh.

"So, you know that since ascending I'm kind of dog-like now," she says, still facing away, "and that I have a few things that dogs have.  A bit of the personality, and some of the physical aspects.  Like the ears."  She's letting the dress slide off her shoulders now, revealing her shoulders and back.  "But this is something I haven't told anyone about yet.  And before you ask, I'm the Witch of Space, and they're very easy to hide with my powers."  They?  Oh man she's taking a step away and letting the dress off her top completely.  But you still can't see anything but her hair draped across her smooth, pale back.  Sexy enough on its own, but she's being a real tease.  "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," you say flatly.  You have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Then Jade takes a deep breath and turns to face you.

You just

You

She has

Those

How does

When did

She can

_Holy fucking shit._

What you're looking at is not what you saw earlier.  Not by a long shot.  What you saw earlier were two modest breasts, maybe a handful each, hidden behind the black fabric of her clothes.

What you're seeing now is a pair of big, round, full tits, easily twice the size you thought they'd be.  But even that is not what was surprising.

Because below those large, gorgeous breasts, nipples stiffening in the air, is a second pair of large, gorgeous breasts.  And below that, a third pair.  All just as big, all hanging beautifully, naturally, and all capped in big pink nipples that are growing harder by the second.

Again, _holy fucking shit_.

You were already popping a bit of a boner, but Jesus Christ now it's taking all your effort not to just blow it in your pants right now.

Because standing in front of you is Jade Harley, completely topless and showing you all _six_ of her boobs.  Three sets of two.  Two sets of three.  Half a dozen.   _Six_.

Yeah, your jaw is just gonna hang open for a little while here, thanks.

A blush is starting to spread across her face, and also her chest, her creamy skin tinged pink by the sudden rush of blood.

"So... what do you think?" the asks sheepishly.

"Buh," you manage to spit out after a few seconds.  Nope, still lacking motor function.

"Is, uh, is that a good 'buh' or a bad 'buh'?"

"Uh, guh."  Oh man, you must look so _smooth_ right now.  Way to be, Strider.

"I mean, if you don't like it, I don't have to—" she starts to say, raising her dress back up a bit.

" _No!_ "  Oh god you hope that wasn't as loud as you think it was.  Please don't have yelled like an idiot.  Jade stops.

You close your eyes and breathe in, trying to organize your thoughts.  Alright, you can do this.  You stand up.

"I'm sorry, it just wasn't clear.  I know it's a bit of a shock."  She cringes.  Oh shit, now you've frightened her, good going.

"Jade," you say simply, and take the few shaky steps up to her.  You lift her chin and lock eyes for a few seconds.

"So," she says, breaking eye contact with a smile, "on a scale of 'dog cock' to 'awesome', how would you rate this?"

"Boobs," you reply, and kiss her.

This was not the kiss you shared earlier.  That one didn't even come close.  This was beyond incredible, and you poured all your passion, your desire, your arousal into it.  She lets out a little squeak into your mouth, and you know exactly why.  Your hand has drifted down from her shoulder and is fondling her top left breast.  It's warm.  It's soft.  It's her.  You are going to be a total tit-grabbing machine.

Your lips leave hers, and you look into her eyes again.  Her pupils are dilated, and her eyelids are drooping.  Her breathing has become heavy, deep, and she's exhaling warm, damp air onto your chest.  She's definitely in the mood now.

You step back towards the bed, and she follows, and _oh_ how she _bounces_ with every step.

You turn her around and sit her down on the bed's edge, and she lays back.  Her breasts respond accordingly, shifting to the sides.  Shit, you are going to have a damn hard time keeping a lid on this.

You kneel before her, working to slide the dress the rest of the way off.  She lifts herself off the bed slightly to let it free.  Now only her glasses and panties separate her from complete nudity.

Easing her legs apart, you slide between them, positioning yourself just right.  Now you have easy access to all of her boobs, and you make good use of it.  Your left hand starts on the top pair, while your right starts in the middle.  You squeeze and knead, pushing and rolling them in your hands.  Your fingers make small indentations as they sink into the skin.  You roll a nipple between your fingers.  They are amazingly perky, all surrounded by large, round areolae.  You would like nothing more than to just latch on and suck on every single one.

"Please," she whimpers, seeming to sense what you were thinking.  Cupping a free breast, she lifts it so the nipple is pointing to you.

There is absolutely no need for her to have to ask twice.  Absolutely none.

You lean down and wrap your lips around it, engulfing as much of the luscious pink skin as possible.  She moans as you press it to the roof of you mouth, squeezing it with your tongue.  You start to suck gently, each pull stretching it towards the back of your mouth.  Your hands continue to grope and fondle, but now focusing on her tender, equally sensitive nipples.  Her chest heaves, and each breath is short and strained.  It seems the feeling of your mouth on her breast is even more pleasurable than the feeling of her breast in your mouth.

And that gives you an idea.  A terrible, wonderful idea.

After one last suck, you let her tit slide out of your mouth and back into place, the areola covered in saliva.  Your hands cease their motions and you release their hold.  Jade lets out a whine, sounding very much like a dog.

"No, don't... stop... ever," she gasps, grabbing at your head and trying to pull you back to her glistening teat.

"Listen, Harley.  Here's an idea.  I've got my hands full right now, but even so I'm leaving half of these beauties unattended, and that's no fun.  So how about I summon a little help?  You know, to liven things up."

"What...?" she manages to mumble before her eyes widen and she gasps.  Two other Daves had just appeared behind you.  And if things are about to happen the way you plan them to happen, you're in for an amazingly good time.  And so is she.  You slip out from between her legs, and one of the other Daves takes your place there.  The other crawls onto the bed on Jade's right, leaving you to her left.  All three yous lower their heads.

"How is...?" Jade manages to ask before her eyes snap open, her breath catches in her throat, and her body locks up.  Such a reaction you would expect as you and the other Daves each take a nipple.  You have her left top breast.  The Dave across from you is right middle.  And the one between her legs has both of her bottom tits squeezed together, sucking both at the same time.

She lets out a giant sob, finally catching her breath.  Tears well in her eyes, and one of her hands finds the top of your head, holding you down on her.  Shit, man, you're making her _cry_ in pleasure.  Almost makes you wish you had tits.

A sharp yelp punctuates her gasps, and you glance over to see that the Dave between her legs has taken his mouth away and is now stroking her through her panties.  They looks pretty damp from here.  If you were him, and you are, or at least you will be soon, this is the part where you would want to be alone.  You and the Dave opposite leave your respective boobs at the same time, climbing off the bed.  You follow him to stand in the right spot on the floor, and simultaneously summon your time powers just as the remaining Dave is reaching for the hem of his pants.

With a flash you're back in roughly the same scene.  You hear Jade gasp as she sees the two of you.  Past Dave, as you can now call him, moves from between her legs exactly as you did.  Future Dave steps from beside you, taking his place.  Yep, that's how you'd planned it to work.  You take your spot to Jade's right, leaving your past self opposite again.  Again, you all lower your heads to her.  Again, the shock freezes her body completely.  Again, she lets out that beautiful choked sob.  Again, a hand holds you in place.  It's all the same, but it all seems different.  A different perspective, a different position, a different nipple rolling between your teeth.  It's taking all your willpower not to touch yourself, to just end it now.  You can feel your cock straining, trying to release its pressure, but it's not time yet.  No, you have to make it through one more round.  You can't fuck with time.

The loud yelp informs you that you have to depart.  Again you leave a wet tit behind.  Again you stand on your chosen spot, the Dave from the past stepping up next to you.  Again a flash and gasp as you turn the clock back.  But this time, it was your turn.

You walk forward with a purpose as the way past Dave moves away.   _Yeah, that's right, she's mine._   You make a mental note to try and avoid snarking at your past selves in the future.

You slide between her legs, a place you've wanted to be since you left it, which technically was a few seconds ago.  Whatever.  You're back now.

As the other Daves take their positions, you grab both of her lower boobs and ready yourself.  A stable time loop dictates that you have to suck on both of them.

Not that you needed the incentive.

Once again Jade tenses and cries, but this time it feels even more different.  You're focused on keeping both nipples in your mouth at the same time, and you're finally letting your dick off the leash a little.  You're so focused that you almost forget to start fingering her.  Almost.

Letting her teats fall from your mouth and bounce back apart, you raise a hand to her panties.  Already you can see a little bit of moisture seeping through.  Gently, you run a finger down the visible cleft where the fabric clings to her swollen vulva.  Even the slightest bit of pressure is enough to leave a trail of dampness as her wetness seeps into the material.  This is what triggers the yelp.  Oh man, she is _horny_.

The other Daves leave their breasts, and walk behind you.  You start to pull your pants down, knowing that they've disappeared into the past already.  Kicking the red garment off your feet, you're now only clad in your boxers, and your cock is no longer contained by anything.

Quickly you resume stroking Jade's, uh, pussy?  Can you even call it that now?  Whatever.  You rub her through her panties to keep up her arousal.

"Please," she moans, trying to hook her thumbs under the waistband to pull them down.  You happily oblige, sliding them off of her pelvis and onto her thighs.

And there it is.  Jade's vagina, wet and waiting.  You pull her panties the rest of the way off, all care and grace gone out the window at the sight.  She's naked now, save for her glasses.  Her body supine, six breasts heaving as she breathes, legs spread wide, she's the absolute peak of erotica.  You are so unironically in love right now.

You go back to rubbing, but now with no barrier between you and her.  You're free to thumb her clit, maybe even stick a finger or two in.  But you have to get her as close as possible, because at the rate you're going you won't even last three seconds inside her.

You stand up and drop your boxers, letting your erection spring free.  It's almost painfully sensitive.  You position the tip near her pussy, almost touching it.  Your fingers continue, stroking and rubbing, before finally one finger slides in, then two.  It's hot and slick.  Of course it is.  You slide them in and out, your thumb rubbing at her clit.  Your other hand finds her lower right breast, and you start to squeeze it.  It's still damp from your mouth, and you use that to lubricate your hand as you massage it.

"Yes— yes—" Jade gasps, "I'm—"

Before the orgasm overtakes her, you pull your fingers out of her and push your dick inside.  As she shakes in the throes of passion, you manage one quick thrust before her spasming muscles push you right over too.  You end up coming deep inside of her, the near-simultaneous climaxes enhancing each other tenfold.  It is without doubt the most amazing thing you have ever felt.

After your body finished pumping the cum into her, you slide out and lean down, bringing the two of you face-to-face.  Oh god, your vision is all blurry.  You're tearing up, too.

You softly touch your lips to hers, feeling her sigh as you do.  She's just wiped.  And so are you.  You manage to move over to beside her and snuggle up to her before drifting off to sleep.  Completely unironically.

-

The next thing you know, you're waking up to the feeling of Jade stretching her arms over her head.  She lets out a big yawn and pats your hand, which you are suddenly aware has found its way onto one of her breasts again.  Whoops.  You give it a gentle squeeze before releasing it and sitting up.  Yep, you're still naked.  Yep, she is too.  And there are all your clothes on the floor.  So it wasn't a dream, that actually happened.  Good.

Before you can get to your feet, Jade stretches again, reaching her arms behind her head.  Her chest arches, accentuating the curve of each breast.  She smiles up at you.

"Hello."

You respond by laying back down, but shifted so that your cheek is planted between her top two boobs.

"I love you."

"I love you too," you try to say, but your answer is muffled by her voluminous titflesh.  She laughs and strokes your hair.  "You know," you say, turning your head to free your mouth, "that was probably the best possible result of any of this."

"Oh undoubtedly," she says with another chuckle.

"I think you're right.  We have a lot of catching up to do.  In fact, I believe it's imperative that we repeat this experience as often as possible."

"We'll see."

"Hey, been wondering, how are these so big?" you ask, nuzzling her skin,  "Did you do some spacey thing, or are there some dog-year shenanigans happening, or what?"

"That's for me to know, and for you to rack your brain trying to figure out."

"Alright, dog years it is then."  You turn your head again to place a small kiss next to her nipple, sending a shiver through her body.  "Now if only you could start milking..."

"Oh, stop it!"  She pushes your head away, flushed red.

"Anyhow," you say, "we should probably get cleaned up.  Maybe we can beat the other two to the shower."

"If we go together, then that'll take less time."  She winks knowingly.

"It's like you read my mind," you reply.

-

After a nice long shower together, taking turns soaping up each other's bodies, the two of you finally towel off and dress.  Sharing a quick kiss, Jade teleports away so you aren't seen leaving together.

But now you need a glass of water.

Entering your makeshift kitchen, you head for the faucet, grabbing a cup on the way.

As you're filling it, you hear a voice from behind you.

"So, how did it go?"

You turn to see Rose leaning against the doorway, one eyebrow raised.

"How did what go?" you ask, desperately trying to deflect the question, and take a sip of water.

"You're perfectly aware of what I am referring to.  There's no way you would let me have all the fun."

"Still not catching you," you say after another sip.

"Why must you be so difficult?"

"Maybe because I don't really feel like talking dirty with my ectofuck sibling."

"Oh, is that it?  Well allow me to break the ice.  After John and I got to my room—"  She's cut off by you spluttering into the cup.

"I don't want to hear about how you molested King Dork with your shadowy cock-tentacles or whatever.  Seriously," you choke out, coughing up the last bit of water from your windpipe.  Damn flighy snark-mistress can't even respect her boyfriend's privacy.

"Oh, no such thing happened.  Not yet.  And funny you should choose that nickname for him.  You might not know this, but 'dork' is slang for penis."  You roll your eyes.  "But tell me, was your time spent so unfulfilling that you're unwilling to even acknowledge it?"

You let out a sigh.  Alright, she asked for it.

"You really want to know?"

"Oh, _do_ tell."  She smirks.

You walk over to her and hand her the cup, still half full.

"There were three of me, and she has six tits."

You brush past her before she can respond.  Your unflinching walk doesn't allow you to see the expression on her face.  Too bad, it was probably great.

_Checkmate, Lalonde._

**Author's Note:**

> This was much longer than I expected. Goddamn backstory gumming up my porn.
> 
> Anyway, it's late and I'm tired so it's probably full of tyops.
> 
> *tpyos
> 
> *fukc


End file.
